After some time it suddenly hits you that you are not the person what you’d like to be. You’re weak, insecure, afraid of responsibility and consequences, afraid of people, their judgement, afraid of action, you make really stupid things that thinking about them now makes you cringe hard… And you finally realized all those points yourself. Congratulations, you’re starting the progress, the progress of self-improvement. Here I’m going to tell you my story.
I was always a different kind of guy: I was thinking things nobody would ever think of, always tried to seek sense in events and phenomenas around me, why and how this happens, why that is so unfair … But at the same time the generic insecure teenager.
Years passed. Thinking about those times made me realize that I had a rebel inside me that barely tried to break from his chains. I was 18 at the time. I was a grown man then, and I had to start making my own decisions that will decide my faith. And these thoughts never stopped: “What do I do now? How? Where should I begin? Does it even matter? I’m not feeling this, I might as well just give up and die”.
Life is complicated.Niko Bellic, 2008
It was an eternal battle to the death between old me and new myself. I wanted change. Slowly but surely I started the change. First, I had to drop out from lyceum when I only had one year left. It was a first very mportant step I had to make. Not only school was a moral torture for me, it prevented me to introduce big changes in myself. Shortly after dropping out I was questioning if I did the right thing. A little regrets started to crawl out, I didn’t let them get to me.
I started to work out, got into clothing fashion, exploring new hobbies, working on my self confidence and improving my self value.
Photography is the hobby I discovered then, I felt it gave me confidence, self-importance. I had been afraid of wearing camera on my chest because It would bring attention to me I didn’t wanted. Now I’m not going out in public without a camera and mostly forget that I have it. I always look for things to shoot. Man, If you have camera, which is a pretty expensive commodity that not everyone can afford, the only attention you would get is positive. People would think you’re important. And that’s all you need. Exception is when people overthink too much and percieve your photography as espionage or something.
I love shooting people… With a camera though.Carl Johnson, 1992
One year after dropping out I saw big change I’m my phisique. As a guy that was literally skinny as a dance pole and always hated it, It was surreal to see myself so muscly and shit. This also gave me a massive boost of self confidence. Now I’m walking down the street chest up, face forwards, looking in the eyes of random girls that walk by just to see how they immediately look down, I’m probably too tough for them.
I stopped feeling need for people and approval in my life. I started appreciate loneliness like I never did before. It’s something that teaches me to be on my own, to be capable of carrying myself, to be emotionally strong and not take leaving of people I cared about so close to heart.
To be honest, all this wouldn’t be easy had I not changed my mentality first. And the way I changed it might sound crazy: it’s autosuggestion. Basically me telling myself that I’m the best there ever was. But for real, it’s more like bringing up the actual value of yourself, pointing out what things you have that others don’t, what unique personal traits and skills you can offer, and remembering that every time when I feel down and worthless.
It was and still is a long and hard road, complicated with different challenges and obstacles I have to smash. I still can do so much better. If you have will, no difficulties nor failures will stop you from getting what you want. In the end I’m really glad I dropped out from lyceum. Everything I’ve done made it totally worth it.
Realize. Battle. Change.